purpose of my life is only to serve as a horrible warning to others

53 days later, it’s done. Somewhere around day 30 (right after the faucet misplacement) Ben started saying “it is what it is” and I kept thinking of that great Gertrude Stein quote that “there is no there, there.” It began to apply to everything that didn’t go quite the way we wanted. Which was almost everything. Coincidentally around this same time I began to think, maybe it’s us. Like that Peanuts character who where ever he goes he brings a cloud of dust with him. But then one night Ben was watching Renovation Reality. The couple were redoing their bathroom, complete gushing water and other disasters. At the end the wife looks into the camera and with flat affect says, “spending quality time with your spouse is over rated.”

I can imagine that most of you will look at the pictures and bail. I can’t blame you. I too am sick of writing about, working on, worrying about or paying for the bathroom that ate St. Louis Park. But for the few who are interested, here is the final bath installment. My warning to others.

The last couple of weeks were spent waiting for things to arrive and then installing them, some of them more than once. First, the glass doors came. This was a breeze as all I had to do was open the door and write a check. They are truly all I could have hoped for. But then it was back to us. Captain Grumpypants and his loyal sidekick Private McAirhead. These roles were played by each of us more than once, and sometimes at the same time! The not so small small toilet came first. This was not an easy task, because as monotonously stated – it’s tight. I was for the most part in the shower, or under the head trying to line up the bolts. An hour later we had it in. An hour and 5 minutes later, it was leaking. This resulted in toilet removal, wax scrapping, playing another round twister. Left hand yellow. It’s cozy and if stand you’ll have no trouble. But if you sit and you get exhausted you can lean forward, and rest your head on the glass of the shower door. Or sit and hit your head on the glass, repeatedly, which I did, until it stopped feeling helpful.

Next came the sink. You can see we went with the black (a clear winner from those who emailed their votes). But I decided to not go with the vessel sink. There wasn’t any room for soap. We need soap. We like soap. It’s important. The sink came and along with it, no directions. Thus ensued the mounting, and un-mounting, (because you can’t reach to mount the sink with the cabinet up) and because it came in two parts, the mounting of and subsequent un-mounting of the sink (because the water lines couldn’t be reached) and the re-mounting of the sink and re-mounting of the cabinet. And then the un-mounting of the cabinet because the faucet lines couldn’t be connected with it up. Sounds like I was in a remake of “Show Girls.” After three hours and a pretty vocal dust-up the first night, we decided call truce and finish it the next day. That started with the defilement of the cabinet with the jig saw so the faucet would fit, which was connected, and then disconnected after we located the leak. Which required the un-mounting of the cabinet because we couldn’t tighten the leak with the cabinet on, and then the re-mounting of the cabinet and reconnecting of the faucet. Sigh.

I knew when I bought the light there was a chance the plate would not cover the ginormous hole from the old light. Why we didn’t make the hole smaller when we had the chance would have been easy and made sense, so we, of course, didn’t do it. I measured the light upstairs and knew it would cover the ginormous hole, so if push came to shove I could switch the lights. And of course, it didn’t fit. So I took down the old light and put up the new one, then went to put up the old light in the new bath and found that they didn’t have the same mounting plate. SO I had to take down the new light and take off the old plate, put up the old plate and the old light in the new bath. This is when I was promoted to Captain Airhead. (I still think the light looks upside down but the men consulted like the lights up. I think men prefer things vertical.

The mirror was no easier. First, the direction were wrong. So now I have 2 extra holes in my new wall. Then after getting the hangers in we realized that screw heads were too big for the brackets on the mirror. Then I spent another century looking for screws that would work. Ben noted after showering with the mirror up for the first time, that with glass doors, you have an unobstructed view, of, well, everything. I realized that if I place the towel in the correct location I only had a partial view (less depressing). That having been said, I wouldn’t change anything, it’s just a word of caution to others.

The shade was the first scathingly brilliant idea I had that actually worked. I wanted a patterned roman shade. But to custom it was ridiculous. Even if I had $300 to throw on this little window, I like to think I wouldn’t just solely based on principle. So I bought a $19 white super cheap shade on ebay and 2 yards of fabric. I attached the fabric to the shade and viola! custom shade. Because to the cheapness of the shade I don’t know that I’d advise this if you put the shade up and down alot. But we don’t and until we replace the window in the spring, it looks pretty good. Then I had the next scathingly brilliant idea to cover two vases with the same fabric as shelf accents. I’m not much of a hot glue gunner (I don’t own one) and started thinking Martha Stewart is right hot glue guns ARE awesome. And they are right up until you burn yourself. I must have said, “ouch, damn it!” at least twenty times and I no longer have fingerprints, which can only help me in my eventual career change to a life of petty crime to offset the budget. So adding in the glue gun to everything else we borrowed, (including last minute printing the Kandinsky art I stole from the internet) from our wonderful neighbors Tom and Al, I figure I’ll be into them for about a quarter of a million dollars when this is all over. (side note: someday lots of art, framed beautifully)

But it’s done and I love it! There are a few woulda coulda shoulda’s as always, but I’m proud and happy. We worked hard, fought rarely and muddled by. Yippee!

So, here is the budget. It’s badly injured, uninsured and about $1000 more than I planned:
Tile: $1800
Shower floor pan: $1000 (Dan was awesome)
Sink: $350
Tiny toilet: $330
Accessories: $200
Misc crap from 4,000 trips home depot: $550 (ouch) (grout, green board, drill bits, screws, drywall etc)
A little professional help: $400
Shower doors: $690

$5,320.00 (tear)

Up next…after a brief rest (and assuming no divorce)
THE BIG SWITCH!