it’s me or the bathroom
A few nights ago I dreamt that my whole life took place in my bathroom. I worked and ate and slept in there. It even had a t.v. Guess you don’t need to be Freud to figure that one out.
Last week is a blur. Between Christmas shopping (still no ornaments on my tree, but at least I have one!) and working and the bathroom I can’t remember much. There was grouting and re-grouting. I can say that the only thing worse than grouting is caulking. Caulking sucks. And as I may have mentioned I have a caulking disability. It is never pleasant. And frankly, I hate it. If I go to hell, I will have to caulk as my penance.
First, the grout. TIP ONE – wear gloves! I didn’t figure this out until the end of the first day. When my fingers were bleeding. Turns out that the cut edges of marble is just like glass. Who knew! The next day I band-aided my finger tips and wore gloves. Much better. Doing the ceiling was not easy. Doing it twice was just stupid. And I redid the redo on the floors, because the wall grout did not match the floor grout. (Read earlier bitch about sanded vs. non sanded grout.) I think that there should be a “universal” white for all things…paint, grout, linens etc. That way no matter what you buy if you pick “universal” it will be the same white. Ceiling paint too! Which is another thing I did this week. I primed the ceiling and the walls – TWICE. WTF. Every task we took on took at least 2 hours or more. I did however get paint on the walls and the color is dead on for once. Color name? Timber Wolf. Ha! Really.
TIP TWO – don’t use Behr Paint. Went with the drama in this room. Loved the color but after painting (yes, TWO coats) I waited about six hours to tape off to caulk. When we pulled off the tape, the paint came with it. It was so depressing. The next day I taped off the grout to repaint, and when I took the tape off, it peeled off the caulk. That one made me wonder if I jumped of the roof of the house would I die or just be paralyzed. Decided it would be the latter, and ate something unhealthy instead.
TIP THREE – Brain farts have consequences. Remember that time (LOL) I tried to do something nice and had the plumber come and didn’t put the faucet at the right height? Well, when we went to put the shower head on, it didn’t fit! I thought thats it. Ben was going to have a stroke or pack his bags and move to a happy place where things went right. At 10pm we were in the basement trying to cut a straight line on a pipe with a dull saw. Luckily, once again Thang to the rescue. His sharp saw did the trick. We not only got a straight cut but got the end cap off to put on the shorter bar. See, now it fits!
TIP FOUR – the directions don’t always help. I am in charge of reading directions because, let’s face it, I have a uterus and Ben…doesn’t. We don’t usually do electric work. It’s scary and this house was not wired to code. Frankly after finding uncapped live wires in the wall behind the medicine cabinet I’m amazed we never had a fire. Anyway…there is a switch for the light with a plug, another 2 plug outlet and light. We wanted to put new boxes in and get rid of the old gross ones. But the internal wiring was clearly circa 1949. Which let to the following…hook up the wires. Thump thump thump downstairs, flip the breaker. “It’s on” which lead to my standing silently waiting to hear the beep beep beep of the “connection” detector or the sound of Ben’s body hitting the floor and his bodily fluids leaking out on my newly grouted floor. “Turn it off” – when I would switch it to off, and then make sure I switched it off (the O in OCD) and Thump thump thump back up the stairs. This went on about 20 times. We could get one switch to work but not the other. Or the other worked but not the plug in. Or the plug in worked but not the light. After the third hour, I put on my stretchy pants and said I’m out of here. It’s 40 degrees, the Vikings suck and I’m going for a run. I asked Ben repeatedly to come with me but he had reached the point where this electrical job had become personal! I must admit it was a great run. Best 5 mile time ever, and coming up over the bridge from the greenway, “Blue Sky” on the buds and the sun setting I was at peace. Until I hit the last hill home. I could see that the xmas lights were off (signifying that the power on that circuit was off) and thought, man I hope he’s not dead. That would really fuck up Christmas.
Poor Ben. Thump thump thumping on his own. We finally took every thing apart and started from “what we know” – this wire is this, that wire is that, this needs to go here etc. And VIOLA power! Five hours and about 50 christmas cookies later, everything worked. We hung our cheapo temporary shower rod and curtain and for the first time in 22 days showered in our own home! It’s was awesome! Hooray for small victories!
TIP FIVE – Never “ass”ume. This problem is still in resolution. We can’t find a toilet that fits our space. Apparently with the onset of fatter asses and mcMansions, the toilet industry has decided that bigger is sooo much better. We are okay with width, but not depth…when we put the new round front toilet in place we realized that while you “could” sit on it, you’d probably have to have the shower door open so you didn’t hit your head while standing. Really? What is this written down somewhere? So we googled and searched and looked. We have only found 1 toilet that is even remotely close to what we need and it $500. And really, its still going to be a tight fit. Ben suggested we look for RV toilets or trailer ones, that should work. I admit I kind of stop listening after that. So here we “stand” without a little pot to pee in. Literally. Calling the plumber – there has to be something besides an out house.
TIP SIX – Don’t borrow us tools. We have borrowed a few things from loving and kind neighbors. While this has worked out well for them, not so much for us. We have to date had to replace 3 items that we have either destroyed or broken. We borrowed, because we didn’t want to buy for just one small task. We ended up buying to replace so while we ended up purchasing this items we still don’t own any of the them. This includes: but is not limited to a live wire checker (I have no idea what its really called, I only know that if you use it incorrectly there is a zap, a spark and smoke) and a sledge hammer. Yes, we broke a sledge hammer, how is that possible?
TIP SEVEN – Christmas cookies, although delicious is not a healthy diet.
Hopefully the next post will be a completed bathroom. I’ve given up on finishing by Christmas. It’s probably not going to happen. Although, at one website they guaranteed Christmas delivery. I pity the person who finds a toilet under their tree. Although if it fit my space…
